Cycling Fashion Guide
With the recent influx of new members I thought it appropriate that this handy guide should be produced to help rider’s through the sartorial minefield of club runs. All members are instructed to remember the Golden Rule – ‘Anything Italian is infinitely more stylish than anything from anywhere else in the world’
In reference to the Golden Rule frames should be hand made Italian exotica. French and Spanish bikes of exceptional caliber are broadly allowable as are steel framed English machines. Bikes with tawdry sounding names, or those produced in America are frowned upon and are major fashion errors. Correct traditional frame geometry is preferred, although semi-sloping is now becoming acceptable.
Please refer to the Golden Rule. There is apparently another manufacturer from Japan that is well known in the field of fishing reel production. I have no knowledge of them.
A double chain set is the only fitment allowed for the fashionable racing cyclist, regardless of the knee crippling pain induced. Triples should only be fitted if attempting expedition or touring rides of epic duration requiring a staggering amount of climbing, and only then on the clearly stated condition that you will be changing back to a double as soon as possible.
Most jersey colours are acceptable. Comedy style jerseys should not be worn by anyone over the age of twelve, or those holding a racing license. Never wear kit with World Championship bands unless you are actually a World Champion. Retro kit is now the height of fashion, although members should desist from saying ‘I had a set of this originally’, in fear of continual sniggering from younger riders.
Shorts should generally be predominantly black in colour. Blue shorts are also now acceptable as are (at a pinch) green. Under absolutely no circumstances should white shorts be worn unless you are Italian (please AGAIN refer to the Golden Rule)
White socks are considered de rigueur for the aspiring fashionable cyclist. However, most colours are now considered acceptable, except black. Sock length is a major fashion pitfall, and members are instructed to remember that shorter is better.
This is a more relaxed fashion item for club cyclists. Almost any type of woolen hat or traditional cycling cap will past muster as fashionable. However, under NO circumstances are bandanas acceptable, unless you are a heavily tattooed Latino gangster called Chico.
Sunglasses are a key element of sartorial club cycling. They should be worn at all times, or propped atop the helmet. Never completely remove your sunglasses and place them out of sight in your jersey back pocket. Wearing sunglasses should help in the production of the ridiculous tan (see below).
The production of a deep tan, with clearly defined tan lines around the eyes (see above), legs, arms and hands is the ultimate achievement of the highly fashion conscious cyclist.
Legs should be shaved. Hairy legs should be considered a major fashion failing. Please note only shaving as a method of hair removal is considered manfully fashionable. Shaved legs should help in the production of the ridiculous tan (see above)
Colourful Continental expressions, particularly from France and Italy, should be added to your language at all times. For example water bottles should be referred to as bidons, when the road is clear say ‘C’est Bon’. Attractive ladies encountered on rides should be greeted with a wave and a shout of Ciao Bella!