Clubmate Characters - by Roger the Haggis

CLUBMATE CHARACTERS

by Roger the Haggis

THE AVERAGE CLUBMAN

By many cyclists this is seen as being a derogatory term as no one wants to be seen as “average”, but it isn’t intended that way as “average clubman” encompasses everyone who is involved with cycling at club level, whether racing or organising. Without the “average” clubman cycle sport couldn’t continue, so if someone brands you as an “average” clubman, be proud not offended.  

THE CLUB RUN KING 

I’m sure you all know this one well. A damn nuisance as he generally sets his stall out to use club runs as his only means of racing. This is particularly bad in winter when a club run is usually a social ride just to get the miles in, but the club run king constantly puts down the hammer stringing the club run out like a road race similar to the last few kilometres of the Tour de France. However, club run king is best ignored, no point in rising to the bait as you know when serious racing starts in the spring he is nowhere to be seen!  

THE SECRET TRAINER 

Yes, I know for a fact that every club has one of these as well. No one has seen the secret trainer since the end of the previous season, yet he turns out to the first race and beats everyone by minutes. Ask him what he’s been doing and he swears he hasn’t touched the bike since he put it away in October, but we all know differently, don’t we. 

THE OVER-TRAINER 

The over-trainer has been on every club run, both on Saturday and Sunday throughout the winter and also trained on his turbo doing hard intervals every night. Consequently he starts the season completely knackered. The problem is, that he thinks his poor race performances are due to the fact that he hasn’t trained enough! So he trains even harder, only to pack in for the season through sheer frustration after riding only a handful of events. He does exactly the same thing every year and never learns from his obvious mistakes.

THE HALF WHEELER 

Well, if the club run king is a damn nuisance I couldn’t begin to describe the half-wheeler. If you have ever trained with a half wheeler you know exactly what I mean. His front wheel is ALWAYS a half a wheel ahead of yours (or whoever is riding alongside) and no matter how hard you try to pull level he puts that half wheel on you again. Trying to hold a conversation is impossible as you are talking to his back all the time. The only cure for a half-wheeler is to send him out with someone who is strong enough to half wheel him or, alternatively, adjust his brakes so that they are permanently rubbing on the rims!  

THE EQUIPMENT FREAK 

This clubman doesn’t really offend anyone. He doesn’t consider training to be of any importance whatsoever as he genuinely believes that all he has to do is invest in the very latest equipment and he will be OK. His garage is full to the rafters with the very latest piece of tackle he can lay his hands on and the cost isn’t an issue. A disc wheel with dimples is a snip at £1,500 if it will knock off a couple of seconds of his 10-mile time. After all it could put him inside 27 minutes on a good day!  

THE SHOOTING STAR 

You don’t see many of these, but they are incredible when one unexpectedly turns up. Comes from nowhere, a complete mystery, takes all the club records and wins most of the local open events before disappearing again. Where did he come from? Where did he go? No one knows, but he becomes a legend in only one season.  

THE INFO GEEK 

This one isn’t offensive, but he drives you to distraction spouting useless information to anyone who will listen as well as those who don’t want to. Out on the club run or training ride it’s an ongoing commentary of his speed, gear ratio, heart rate, cadence and anything else his computer will tell him. Trouble is, info geek isn’t isn’t happy to know only about himself, he also wants info from anyone else he is out with to compare with his info. The thing is, no one else could care less.  

THE EXCUSE MERCHANT 

This one is a classic although I do realise most cyclists can easily fall into this category at one time or another. What are the two most popular excuses? Well, I’ll tell you. . . . The first is, “my tri-bars came loose” and the second is, “my computer packed up. There are dozens more, usually such things as balked by a car at a roundabout, the wind swung round at the turn and had a headwind both ways! “I ran over a rabbit”, “the gates were open at the local nudist camp just as I punctured” – yes excuses can be infuriating sometimes, but quite entertaining at times, how do they dream them up and why, they’ve been beaten fairly anyway?  

THE LONG SUFFERING WIFE OR PARTNER 

I have to finish with this, but do we really appreciate these loved ones. Most of them never get mention other than in a conversation with fellow cyclists and it is something on the lines of, “I want a new bike, but she/he won’t let me have one”! Did you see yourself here then or do you recognise the person riding alongside you as one of these categories? PS: For those of you interested, my attempt to get the magic 100 sub hour 25’s is getting frustrating. Managed three of the seven required, two in England, one up here, but I’m missing that extra “edge”, times done since the beginning of the year include, 1:00:49, 1:00:32, 1:00:40, 1:01:10 and 1:00:37 – so fast yet so slow!